Behind Closed Doors
by StarQuality
Summary: Being alone always serves up some juicy opportunities... SLASH ListerRimmer


**Title: ** Behind Closed Doors

**Author: ** StarQuality

**Disclaimer: ** Teh (_sic_) _'Dwarf_ is the property of them that are not me.

**Summary: ** Being alone always serves up some juicy opportunities...

**Pairing: ** Mr AJ Rimmer and Mr D Lister.

**A/N: ** I was bored when I wrote this, and it probably shows. It was written on my laptop, so I must apologise for all spelling mistakes. I hate the laptop keyboard! And I'm not used to the position of the 'Ctrl' key! But anyway, I don't know what made me start writing this, but I thought I should write a sort and sweet slash fic, because my last fic was too friendly. So, dedicated to everyone who reviews my RD fics on a regular basis. Yes, all of you! (By regular, I basically mean you've reviewed all of them at least once!) Thanks to you all, and enjoy! A point to whoever gets the Ross Noble misquote(s).

* * *

Lister stood up and glared at his bunkmate, before walking in the direction of the door. Expecting it to open when he got near, he walked into it when it didn't. He rubbed his nose and looked shocked. Rimmer laughed cruelly, they had just had a huge row, so the door incident just added to his anti-Lister-ness. The younger man scowled at the door, and called out to Holly,

**"What?"**, came her bored voice, as she appeared on the screen next to their beds, **"What!"** she asked again, when he didn't reply straight away,

Lister pointed to the door, **"Why isn't it opening?" **he inquired, angrily, **"I walked smack-bang into it Hol!"**

**"Sorry." ** she said, still looking fed up, **"I'll 'ave a look. Might take a minute."**

Resigned to the fate that he was stuck in his quarters for at least an hour - Holly wasn't the fastest computer when it came to 'having a look' at technical errors - with Rimmer, Lister jumped up to his bunk and lay back. Rimmer was sitting at the table, smirking. He felt that he had won the row. The fact that neither man could really remember what it was about in the first place was irrelevant. He had won simply by being the last to speak, but some might argue that in that case, Lister was the winner, because he just shut up.  
Lister was thinking about how much Rimmer irritated him.  
Rimmer was thinking about how much Lister irritated him.  
So, technically, they were thinking about each other.

After twenty minutes of sitting in silence, Lister coughed. **"Do you have to do that in here?" **Rimmer asked, snappily,

**"Where else am I supposed to do it?" **he replied, sitting up and narrowly missing banging his head, **"In space? And anyway, even if I was supposed to do it in space, I _can't_, can I? I can't leave the smegging _room._"**

Rimmer scoffed, **"Humph. Well, you don't have to do it so loudly."**

Back to the silence. Ten minutes passed by. Twenty minutes. Thirty. Forty. Fifty. After fifty-six minutes and thirty-one seconds, Holly appeared again, and she didn't look any more excited than she had done seventy-six minutes and thirty-one seconds previously. Lister, however, jumped to the floor, **"Well?"** he asked,

**"Sorry Dave. It's gonna take Kryten at least two hours to sort out the circuits. Especially as he's on his own."**

**"What about Cat!"**

**"He won't help, will he? I, er, have to turn myself off for a bit." **Holly said, just wishing she could go back to sleep, **"Don't look so depressed, it won't be so bad. Seeya."**

**"Hol...!" ** but she'd gone. He shouted again and again, but all he got was her 'offline message',

_**'Hello, this is Holly. Well, er, I'm not on at the moment. So I must be recharging, or Dave's improving me. Or Dave's already improved me and he cocked it right up, so Kryten's trying to fix me. Whatever, I'll be back soon. If I'm not, well, I won't get this message, will I? But if I am, then I will. So leave one anyway and I'll see if I get it. A message that is. And if I'm not too busy piloting the ship around mines, black holes and planets, I'll get back to you. If I can find time in my very busy schedule... Now, which button is it...'**_

Lister looked over at his older bunkmate and sighed deeply. He sat down on at the table too, opposite Rimmer. They looked at each other for a little while, before finding something else to stare at. Both knew they couldn't sit like that for two hours, but neither man was going to be the one to break the silence, oh no. They were both far too manly (stubborn) for that. Eventually, Rimmer stood up and picked up one of his hologrammatic magazines. He sat down again and began to read it, chuckling at random things.

**"Shut up, Rimmer."**

Rimmer peered over the top of his magazine and sneered, before going back to what he was reading. He laughed louder now, so much so that if he had been able to, Lister would've reached over and ripped it in half. **"Not annoying you, am I, Listy?" **he asked, with a tone a mock sweetness, and without looking up from _Fascist Dictator Monthly_,

Not wanting to admit that he was annoyed, Lister scowled and went to get his own form of entertainment. He took a Cat-Book, made sure Rimmer saw the cover, and sat down heavily with it. He opened the first page, and began sniffing it, loudly. This caused Rimmer to practically growl with annoyance. Lister smiled to himself, and closed the book. Rimmer put down his magazine, and they glared at each other. Normally, they would be able to leave and cool off for awhile, but they were trapped like lions in a cage. And when you put two male lions together... One is eventually going to be killed in cold blood. But that wasn't really an option with the two of them, so they had to give into the other extreme, sooner or later.

**"Stupid."**

**"What?"**

**"This?"**

**"What?"**

**"THIS."**

**"WHAT?"**

That caused another round of '_angry faces_'. Every little thing had been causing them to argue recently, even things that shouldn't start arguments.  
Once, Lister had said, **_'good morning' _**to Rimmer, and had been accused of being chirpy, too bright, and incorrect because it wasn't the morning, it was noon.  
Then, Rimmer had asked his younger companion to open communication channels, causing Lister to storm out of the cockpit because _**'why is it always smeggin' me who has to open communication channels?'**_. Even Kryten's gentle explanation that it was because he was next to the communication channel controls, hadn't gone down well.  
Normally the rows would be solved by having a good sulk about it in separate rooms, but recently that hadn't worked at all. They weren't solved at all, really, life had been just one long argument for at least three weeks, and they were both getting a bit bloody sick of it. To be fair, it wasn't a case of just one of them starting all the fights, they were both as guilty as each other. But of course, when Kryten, Cat or Holly had suggested this... well, it just made them quarrel over 'who started it', which, let's face it, is hardly suitable behaviour for two grown men. Even if they had been marooned in space for years, it was no excuse.

**"This is insane." ** Lister said, scratching his nose, which he had been doing a lot lately, because it was something he did when he was especially uncomfortable in a situation. And the current situation was very uncomfortable.

**"... I hate to say this..." ** Rimmer swallowed hard, as if he was gulping down his pride, **"... but you're right... Do you mean this current situation, or...?"**

**"I mean, us recently." ** Lister cringed, using the word _'us' _had made them sound like a couple, **"We've not spoken properly for days."**

Rimmer nodded. He agreed completely, Lister _was_ right. It wasn't as if they were the best of friends usually, but at least they could discuss the possibility of the ship being hit with a giant meteor - especially if there was actually a meteor that was travelling in the general direction of their persons - without erupting into a full-scale war. It _was _ insane, it _was _childish, it _was_ petty, but were either of them going to admit that they started it? Not a chance. **"Well, that's as maybe Lister, but my point still stands."**

**"What point was that!" **the other man asked, not remembering Rimmer making any kind of point. Or sense, for that matter. **"When?"**

Looking at Lister quite, quite seriously, Rimmer stated, **"I've made several relevant points, Lister, you obviously haven't been listening. Either that or that ecosystem in your ears is taking over."**

**"..." **Lister erupted into laughter, **"You have not."**

**"Yes, I have." **Rimmer was offended. Obviously, Lister hadn't been listening to him at all, ever. **"I..." **he was struggling, and Lister was waiting for a reply. Rimmer let out an annoyed sigh, **"...this is so like you Lister. Always with a smart answer, always disrespectful. Why can't you ever show me any respect?"**

**"That's because... there's not much to respect... sometimes."**

**"Oh well, that's very mature, thank you very much." **he turned his back on Lister and folded his arms. All he wanted was a bit of respect. That, and Lister's tongue down his throat. But if the didn't have the former, there was no chance of the latter, unless there was a large quantity of alcohol involved. **"After all I do for you too."**

This time, Lister didn't laugh. He didn't want to offend Rimmer really. He could be grumpy, melodramatic, a dictator and judgemental, but roughly two-percent of the time, he was just a regular bloke. Well. Almost. **"Oh yeah? What've you done for me?"**

**"I've kept you sane."**

**"You've kept me _in_sane. Seriously Rimmer, if we were together... I mean... Uh... If we were cooped up like this, back on Earth, I'd be in an asylum of some kind by now."**

Genuinely surprised that Lister didn't seem to see him as the role-model that he believed himself to be, Rimmer asked, **"Are you saying that I'm a bad influence?"**

**"No. No. I'm saying... that you're a git."**

**"Thanks a lot." **Rimmer was honestly hurt by that remark. Alright, so most of the time he gave the impression that he didn't have much time for Lister, but that wasn't true at all. He really liked Lister, as a person and as a... man. He always felt that there was a tiny chance that they could be friends. Not even friends, just... two guys who got on. Although it was obvious that Lister and Rimmer were attracted to each other, what Rimmer really, really wanted, was for the two of them to get along for more than ten minutes.

Lister wanted the same. He'd loved Peterson, Chen, Selby and all of his other mates, but he was older now, more mature. And Rimmer was the kind of friend he wanted. Sure, Cat was a good buddy, but he was always running off to check his hair. Kryten was a loyal and attentive - perhaps a little too much so - pal, but he did tend to ramble on about Frank and Silicon Heaven. But Rimmer... He was a human... He knew what it was like... And Lister could see that he was upset. **"I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean..."**

**"No. I understand. I am a git, aren't I?"**

**"Yeah." **Lister said, very slowly, ** "You are." **He smiled softly. **"But you're m... _our _git."**

That thought warmed Rimmer's heart. It wasn't particularly romantic, but it was, in a strange way, nice to hear. The fact that he was somebody's - even somebody's git '- made him feel good. It wasn't often he got to feel like that, and he liked it. **"...Thanks."**

**"Oh, don't take it as an insul..."**

**"I didn't." **Rimmer interrupted.

**"Oh." **

Rimmer turned around again and unfolded his arms. They looked at each other, but instead of glaring like they usually did, they were smiling. Looking into Lister's eyes, the older man realised something. **"Lister..."**

**"No. Wait..." **Lister cut him short. He'd also realised something. Something that had been lingering. Something that had been buried under years of doubt and insecurity. Rimmer. The real Rimmer. The Rimmer that he'd been in love with all of these years. Sure, he'd known that, but it was at that moment that he realised that he had to do something about it. He couldn't let it just eat him up inside for the rest of his life. **"There's something I have to tell you. And.. It won't be easy... So... I'm sorry if... Uh..." **he cleared his throat. **"I'm just going to come out... and say it, I mean."**

**"Lister, you're rambling."**

**"I know."**

**"Well don't."**

**"Sorry. Er... Well, I... the... the truth is that... God, this is embarrassing... Um..." **he wasn't sure whether to go on. But he knew that if he didn't say something, he'd regret it, **"... the thing is Rimmer... me an' you have never got on, right? Well... you see... I always wanted to be mates with you... and the more I tried the more you pushed me away by being horrible and stuff and I just reacted and so we never got the chance to get on and..."** he gasped for breath before continuing, **"... that made me angry, but not just angry. I got upset because... the truth of the matter is... I'm in love. With you."**

Rimmer stared in utter disbelief at what the other man was saying. He sat and thought about it for a few minutes, before a smile crept across his lips. **"I know the feeling." **Although he couldn't physically touch Lister, Rimmer reached across and did the action of stroking his cheek. Of course, Rimmer's hand hovered just above Lister's skin, and Lister couldn't feel it, but the thought was there, and both men felt a wave of cool wash over them.

**"Well Sirs, that should do it." **

Quickly, Rimmer pulled his hand away from Lister's face as Kryten entered the room. **"Th-thanks Krytie." **Lister stammered, not taking his eyes off of Rimmer for a second.

**"What confuses me, Mr. Rimmer, is why you didn't leave? I mean, you being a hologram, you could have walked straight through the door at anytime!"**

**"Oh yes... I didn't think of that..." ** Rimmer grinned at Lister, **"Let's just say... I had a few things to take care of in here."**

* * *

**_End of._**

* * *

Yeah. So yes. And yep. Indeed. I wish I knew why I wrote this. And why it trailed off so. But it was a nice idea. I might revamp it later. But it's 3:51am and I'm watching _Love Actually _ and knackered.  
Dedicated to... uh... All of you. Yeah, _you_ especially.

Star  
xx


End file.
